The Case of Bee Murder, or Bee-uder if You Will
by UnstableUniverses
Summary: After a traumatic near-death experience, Barry the bee attempts to sue the Monster House. But can he win when bee murder, or bee-uder if you will, is not technically illegal? Written for the Unstable Universes Podcast.


Slurp! Went the monster houses long slippery carpet tongue. It wrapped around poor unsuspecting Jerebee, giving him quite a fright. He died as the strong muscle crushed his very soul. The tongue snapped back as quickly as it had shot out.

"Damn, that one had a lot of sting to it. That really hit the spot; I haven't had a bee in nearly an hour. Gotta get my fix," thought the house.

A while later back outside, Barry B. Benson was flying alongside his walking fiancée Vanessa Bloome.

"Whaddya mean you don't want my last name Vanessa?" Barry was screaming.

"Its 2010 Barry stop being a meninist. We are a progressive family," she yelled back, glistening tears in her eyes.

Barry stormed ahead, his tiny wings carrying him quickly. That's when it happened; the red carpet tongue grabbed him by the foot and pulled him back towards the gaping gob of the monster house.

"Sweet baby Jesus, or Bee-sus if you will, help me, Vanessa!" Barry cried, trying to pry his toesies free of the retracting tongue carpet.

"Oh, what? NOW you need a strong woman in your life?" she said rolling her eyes, not noticing the monster house's monster muscle.

The tongue pulled Barry toward the doorway like he was a Mormon missionary spreading the word of the Lord and Saviour.

Vanessa rounded the corner to see Barry hovering in the middle of a dilapidated house's front yard, screaming like a little bitch.

"Barry, what the fuck is happening with you today?" Vanessa questioned tiredly.

"That house tried to eat me, Vanessa! What's the deal?" Barry said, pointing wildly at the house, now standing utterly still like a house.

"Houses don't eat people. They're houses. Can we please move on?" Vanessa groaned and turned to keep walking down the street.

"I'll show you," Barry said, pulling at her hair. She resisted initially, but after a good yank she followed him into the desolate house like a well-trained race horse but without the blinders.

The floorboards creaked so loud under Vanessa's feet that she feared she'd fall through to the basement with each step. Barry led her deeper into the dark depths of the unkempt home. The dank smell of dust and rot was suddenly overpowered by a sweet stench.

"What's that smell, Barry?" Vanessa whispered, clinging to his tiny hands. "We should get out of here."

"No, I would know that smell anywhere. It's my cousin, Jerebee! He went missing an hour ago, which is a long time in bee time!" Barry exclaimed, "We have to find him and bring him back to the hive!"

As they walk down the stairs to the basement, the smell grew stronger and stronger, filling Barry's bee nostrils with the familiar scent of bee and pollen and honey and honeycomb and Jerebee's signature cologne. But to their horror, as they stepped down to the cold concrete floor of the unfinished basement, they were met with a gruesome sight. Thousands, billions, trillions of bee corpses lay scattered in various states of decay. Vanessa gasped, and Barry flew close to the floor in search of Jerebee.

"Jerebee?!" he called out, his voice cracking in fear.

But it was too late. Jerebee's still warm corpse lay at the top of a large bee pile. His eyes still open but unseeing. Barry broke down, but Vanessa ran over to where he was, trampling a number of unnamed bees on her way.

"We need to go Barry, this is a crime scene, we can't contaminate the evidence," she whispered.

"No!" Barry yelled back, "I'm not leaving without Jerebee."

Vanessa in an act of pure desperation scooped up her little boyfriend and carried him out of the basement.

"Put me down woman. Put me down or I'll sting you," He screamed.

Vanessa gasped, "Barry! You wouldn't dare. You'd die, you idiot!"

"Why should I live while Jerebee rots in that basement, or bee-sment if you will!" Barry shrieked, his tiny bee throat burned from the prolonged scream-fest, but his rage burned hotter.

Vanessa tucked Barry snugly into her flannel breast pocket. He could feel her heart slowly beating, calming him somewhat. With her now free hand, she took her phone out of her pocket and dialed 9-1-1.

Barry peaked his smaller than average noggin out of the pocket and hollered back at the house, "I'll see you in court, asshole!" while shaking his bee fist.

The house, knowing that Vanessa's gaze was on the street looking for incoming police cars, winked a window wink at Barry and stuck her tongue out, waggling it ever so sensually.

* * *

The monster house adjusted her red tie nervously.

"It's okay," reassured her lawyer (who was a lovely 2 story side split house), "Their case is total hearsay."

The house continued to fidget anxiously as the jury filed in to their seats across the courtroom.

"All rise for the honorable Judge Bumbleton!" the bailiff shouted from the front of the room.

The monster house sat up a little straighter to give the appearance of standing up, as Judge Bumbleton walked to her spot on the bench. Her jowls bounced with the movement, making the monster houses stomach grumble. It had been so long since she had eaten a bee.

"Order in the court! Order I say," her Oprah Winfrey-like voice rang out as she smashed the gavel against the little gavel holder. A hush fell over the courtroom crowd, which consisted of mainly of Chowder.

"You, Mrs. Monster House have been accused by Barry B. Benson of 35 thousand counts of bee murder, Bee-urder if you will, of the first-degree. How do you plead?" questioned the judge.

"Not guilty your Honour. On the basis that bee murder, bee-urder if you will, is not illegal," replied the lawyer house.

A loud sob rang out, as tiny honey tears flowed down Barry's furry face. "You're a real monster, house!" He screamed in a fit of despair.

"Shut up," Oprah said, "This is a goddamn courtroom and you will respect it you puny insect."

Once Barry had calmed down the judge continued on. "It is now time for your opening statements. We will start with the plaintiff, Mr. Benson."

"Thank you, your Honour. As we determined in my first court case, Bees are equal to humans. Therefore, murdering bees is wrong and this bitch should go to jail for the rest of her miserable life. That is all," Barry stated to the court.

The house was affronted by his crude way of speaking. She hated teenagers and their slang. But he was oh so enticing, her stomach grumbled again.

"Only I can cuss in my goddamn courtroom Mr. Benson. But thank you for your candor. Mrs. Monster House it is now your turn to take the floor," said Judge Bumbleton.

The side-split lawyer scraped his foundation forward toward the jury box. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we gather here today under false pretenses. My client has been accused of murder when no such crime has occurred, rather simple pest extermination. Mrs. Monster House is simply putting forward an effort to make the neighbourhood safer for all the boys and girls that are allergic to bee stings."

Barry couldn't hold himself back. He flew up at the lawyer house's face(?) and shouted "This isn't a case of simple extermination, this is 35,000 cases of pre-meditated murder! These bees were just minding their own business, or bee-siness if you will, collecting pollen for the Queen and they were kidnapped and killed by your client. She's got a problem, an addiction to killing my family I tell ya!"

The lawyer house was bewildered, or bee-wildered if you will. A shocked silence fell over the courtroom. Only broken by the banging of Judge Bumbleton's gavel striking down.

"Is this true, is it a compulsion to eat bees?"

The monster house began to sweat. Her stomach growled loudly seeing Barry's juicy bee body. She couldn't hold back any longer. Her long carpet tongue shot out of her front door wrapping around his thicc body. She remembered his taste from the last time she had a hold on him.

Quickly, Vanessa jumped up and with a pair of garden shears, she snipped the carpet in half. The stub retracted with a yelp from the house's interior. The carpet released Barry and fell lifeless to floor. The jury gasped in astonishment.

"Well, that settles that. It clearly is a compulsive act for Mrs. Monster House to eat the bees. Therefore, I sentence you to thirty days of rehabilitation, or bee-hab if you will," the judge stated as she smacked her gavel one last time and strode out of the courtroom.

The jury nodded in agreement, this was the only logical solution most definitely. For sure, for sure.

Barry B. Benson whooped in excitement for his victory. "Vanessa, we won! Can you bee-lieve it?" The two lovers embraced in a celebratory hug. Barry pulled away slightly to look Vanessa in her giant green eyes. "And I've reconsidered, I want to be Barry B. Bloome. I love you, honey."

THE END


End file.
